Thought of this 4 July 2015 when I found the plastic Simba from the movie “The Lion King”, copyright 2015, Michael-Tyrrannis I Saurranno-Schwing
:
Baby Mikey Adventure-The Simba
Mikey: I have a Simba. Do you have a Simba?
Adult: No.
Mikey: Oh! You don’t HAVE a Simba! I have a Simba because I’m special! [pronounced speeessshhullll]
Adult: Yes, Mikey, you’re VERY special! [Laughing hysterically]
Mikey: I know. Wait! Why are you laughing?
Written 1 Nov 2014 and copyright 2014 by Michael-Tyrrannis I Saurranno-Schwing. All rights reserved:
Dje-Luk-Pa Rin-po-che Da-le-Lama Padam-Shah-an-Shah Tenzhin XX, the elected Galactic Council President (= the Galactic Emperor formerly entitled Padam Shah-an-Shah), has sent a team to Betelgeuse III to stem the growth of the Sisterhood of elemental witches. The team is led by the Melkizedek High Priest Melkior XXV, who has had the greatest success at destroying the elemental witches.
He corners one witch:
Melkior XXV: What is your name witch? (in hard demanding voice).
Anuket XX: I will not make it that easy for you! (in sleazy, whispering female voice).
Melkior: What is your name witch? By the name of Yahveh El Elyon!
Anuket: Iii’mmm soorrrry Melkizedek priest. Iii dooo not worrship that so-called God. Sooo invoooking hissss name does meee nooo harmmm! [=I’m sorry Melkizedek priest. I do not worship that so-called God. So invoking his name does me no harm!]
Melkior: What is your name witch? (getting angry and frustrated).
Anuket: Diiid you know yourrr greaaatt grandfattthhherrrr Melkior XXII? [=Did you know your great-grandfather Melkior XXII?]
Melkior: Just barely as a child. Why, witch?
Anuket: Beeecausse I killed himmm and thennn ate him, orrr at least parrrttsss of him. [=Because I killed him and then ate him, or at least parts of him.]
Melkior: Why do you talk like that?
Anuket: Issnnn’t thisss the way a witch isss suppossssed to tallllk? [= Isn’t this the way a witch is supposed to talk?]
Melkior: I beg you, Madam, to please speak normally.
Anuket: As you wish, Melkior. ‘Madam’ so polite. Why?
Melkior: Even though it is my job to exterminate the elemental witches who pervert God’s creation for their own purposes, I can appreciate the beauty and intelligence of some of the witches. What is your name witch?
Anuket: So when you kill me you can just check my name off the list? Your great-grandfather was so handsome and tasted better than you would because his blood was purer. I greatly admired his intelligence, his manhood, and his handsome body. So I ate his brain and male member and other select body parts. i see his face and his beautiful eyes and his stern manly look in your face, but he had a better more tasty body.
Melkior: What is your name witch?
Anuket: Anuket. Melkior, I am your great-grandmother.
Melkior: I know my ancestry, Madam and I know that is a lie.
Anuket: I saw it in a movie [Star Wars] once, “Luke, I am your father.” It kept the bad guy Darth Vadar from being killed by good guy Luke Skywalker. I thought it might work for me!
Melkior: Madam Anuket, my ability to kill witches is not dependent on my pretty eyes or my looks. What number are you?
Anuket: The 20th. I am the daughter of Khnum XIX and Satet XIX.
Melkior: A water witch from the Aswan Egypt Family of Witches.
Anuket: Yes.
Melkior: You almost make me regret having to kill you, Madam. You must be succesful at what you do to have survived over 200 years!
Anuket: And you, Sir, must be succesful at what you do if you haven’t been killed yet by a witch sister stronger than me. but you will be the last of your name.
Melkior: Why do you say that?
Anuket: You are the 25th of your name and the ordinal numbers stop there by your priestly law.
Melkior: But I am NOT the last of my line. I have two sons: Balthazar XXI and Casper XX to carry on the line. Before I kill you, do you have any last words?
Anuket: Not really. But you may be too late, Sir. A Soul Witch is being raised up who will give us great power and leadership to the sisterhood.
Melkior: (Surprised and taken aback): An Atman Witch? I thought my grandfather Melkior XXIII killed the last one Kalideva XXIII !
Anuket: There is always a Soul Witch. They are our queens and leaders. You may not know her name or where she is, but there MUST be a Soul Witch so the powers of the universe can be channeled to us.
Melkior: On the planet Travankor.
Anuket: Or Koromandel, or Koromalka, or Korosene, or Korazmiya!
Melkior: NO! There must be a “hive” to raise an Atman Witch and the original one is on Travankor where the Sisterhood started over 5000 years ago.
Anuket: You do know your history, Sir!
Melkior: As do you my lady. But I may not be too late as there is another “Sisterhood” that is quite pissed off at your Sisterhood for usurping their influence, power, and worshipers.
Anuket: There is no other Sisterhood!
Melkior: Yes, there is. One much older and originally much more powerful!
Anuket: Who might that be?
Melkior: The Natarata of the Annunaki.
Anuket: We destroyed the last of those!
Melkior: So we all thought till I saved a teenage girl on a planet that the Aeons tried to destroy.The girl’s name was In-an-na VII. She took me to where the last of the Annunaki were hiding. I gave them the knowledge on how to destroy the witches, the Itzakh’atz, and the Malakh and Daemon and how to drive the Aeons away. The Natarata have destroyed the Sisterhood on 23 worlds now and are spreading out from the planet Edin.
Anuket: Well, Sir, I AM now ready to die. This news you bring is very horrible to the Sisterhood. It is better to be destroyed by a being with some respect for you than by one who exceeds our own arrogance and hatred of all who are not us.
Melkior raises his staff, recites ancient spells in ancient languages, while the huge crystal stone flares bright red and a beam of fire like a laser consumes the witch Anuket XX as she screams in agony and disappears in a stream of smoke, destroying her forever. Melkior makes a notation in the “Genealogies of Known Witches” that he killed Anuket XX on March 3, 3027, she who had killed his great-grandfather Melkior XXII.
[end of this installment]
Baby Mikey (singing): Walking with my Daddy, this is so neat! Walking with my Daddy, on my two feet. My right and my left.
Daddy: Walking with Baby Mikey, this is so neat! Walking with Baby Mikey, he is so sweet. With his two left feet!
Mikey: DADDY!!!!!!!
Mikey: Walking with my Daddy, singing a song. Daddy’s singing with me as we walk along!
___________
Mikey: Look Daddy! A dead bird! (in the parking lot northeast of Marsh at Capitol and Michigan which made me think of this story).
Mikey: What is it? Daddy: A wood duck.
Mikey: What’s a wood duck? Is it made of wood? Daddy: No.
Mikey: Is it a duck decoy? Daddy: No.
Mikey: Then what IS IT??? Daddy: A Wood Duck the Aix sponsa.
Mikey: An icky sponsor? Daddy: No! Don’t be silly, Mikey!
Mikey: OK Daddy!
Daddy: It’s the prettiest kind of duck native to Indiana. It prefers ponds in wooded areas, and nests in woods inside a tree, hence the name “Wood” Duck.
Mikey: Prettier than a mallard?
Daddy: I think so. It has more colors.
Mikey: I like the green heads on mallards! Daddy: So do I, Mikey.
Mikey: I like how some ducks eat out of our hands in Military Park like the squirrels and geese. Daddy, why do some people call the Canadian geeses ducks?
Daddy: Because they don’t know the difference.
Mikey: I know the difference! Geeses got longer necks and are bigger! And when they are even bigger with long snaky necks they turn into swans!
Daddy: Yes, Mikey Pooh, swans are bigger than geese, whiter and have longer necks.
[Unless the swans are in the southern hemisphere where they are black.]
Mikey: Can we go to the Canal and feed ducks, geese, and fish?
Daddy: Sure! It’s only a few blocks away.
Mikey (singing again): Walking with my Daddy, to the Canal. I don’t know a word that rhymes with Canal.
Daddy: (singing too): Walking with Baby Mikey to the canal to feed the koi ! That will be so fun. Oh boy!
After following the Yellow Brick Road in Schnoz to the Emerald Castle where the Great Lizard is, they get an audience with the Great Lizard.
Great Lizard: Ask not what the Great Lizard of Schnoz can do for you, but what you can do for the Great Lizard of Schnoz!
Dorothy: Great Lizard of Schnoz, we heard you are the only one in Schnoz who can help us.
Great Lizard: ikr [I know right!]
Tinman: Will you help us Great Lizard of Schnoz?
Great Lizard:I will if I can, LOL! [Laugh out loud]
Tinman: I need a heart,
Lion: I need courage.
Scarecrow: I need a brain.
Mr.Perfection: I need humility.
Gelflings: We need to know which crystal shard will repair the Dark Crystal.
Great Lizard: And what do you need, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Two Toes and I need to go home, to a galaxy far, far, away and we don’t know how to find the wormhole to Detroit.
Great Lizard: Tinman?
Tinman: Yes?
Great Lizard: Didn’t you care enough about all these people to take care of them and bring them safely through all the people of Schnoz to me so that I could help them?
Tinman: Yes.
Great Lizard: Then you already have a heart: compassion, caring, and love!
Tinman: Thank you so much, Great Lizard of Schnoz!
Great Lizard: Lion?
Lion: Yes?
Great Lizard: Did you not stand up and protect them from the Klingons of the Black Brick Road and the Minotaurs from the Golden Fleece Brick Road?
Lion: Yes.
Great Lizard: Then you already have courage, Sir!
Lion: Thank you so much, Great Lizard of Schnoz!
Great Lizard: Scarecrow?
Scarecrow: Yes?
Great Lizard: Did you not deal with Bryant the Bridge Troll, escape from the sales pitch of the GEICO Geckos and distract the Apes so you all could escape?
Scarecrow: Yes.
Great Lizard: Then you already have a brain!
Scarecrow: Thank you so much, Great Lizard of Schnoz!
Great Lizard: Mr. Perfection?
Mr. Perfection: Yes?
Great Lizard: Haven’t you treated Dorothy as a Lady and done for her several things that made her happy without expecting anything in return, although you generally got what you wanted without bragging to others about the “conquest”?
Mr. Perfection: Yes.
Great Lizard: Then you already have humility. It just took the right person (or paddle) to bring it out!
Mr. Perfection: Thank you so much, Great Lizard of Schnoz!
Great Lizard: Gelflings?
Gelflings: Yes?
Great Lizard: The shard you need will be the one that glows when I play this panpipe.
Gelflings: We found it! Thank you so much, Great Lizard of Schnoz!
Great Lizard: Dorothy?
Dorothy: Yes?
Great Lizard: To go home through the proper wormhole, all you have to do is dial the following Stargate code my butler will give to you and walk through the Stargate AFTER the event horizon calms.
Dorothy: Can I take Two Toes and Mr. Perfection with me?
Great Lizard: Of course, you can take anyone with you through the Stargate at the same time before the event horizon closes.
Dorothy: Thank you so much, Great Lizard of Schnoz! One more thing, oh Great Lizard of Schnoz.
Great Lizard: Yes?
Dorothy: What is the meaning of life?
Great Lizard: The meaning of life is to live (chokes, gurgles, keels over dead)
ALL: DOROTHY YOU KILLED THE GREAT LIZARD OF SCHNOZ!
Dorothy: That’s okay! Auntie Em has a great lizard recipe.
Mr. Perfection: What does lizard taste like?
Dorothy: Chicken. Let me just get my cellphone and call Auntie Em for her lizard recipe and I’ll cook him up and we’ll have a feast!
Scarecrow: What’s a cellphone?
Dorothy: Oh you silly. Don’t be such a platypus! This is the 21st century version of Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz. It works like a “communicator” on “Star Trek”!
Dorothy, Two Toes, and Mr. Perfection arrive safely in Detroit, get married and have perfect babies.
Dorothy is a stay-at-home mother of five with three online college degrees. She prepares income tax returns and does accounting for a living.
Two Toes now stars in an Alpo commercial.
Mr. Perfection keeps his humility by regular application of the paddle by Dorothy. He earns a living as a male exotic dancer at a bar for women and moonlights as a dancer in a downtown gay bar. He discovered that the Wicked Witch of West Detroit stayed home and did not go to Schnoz. He now calls her “mother-in-law” (LOL).
Lion opened and operates the only zoo in Schnoz.
Tinman became the advertising agent in a commercial for the only car manufacturer in Schnoz and worked his way up to owning the company.
Scarecrow became a clothes model for the only haberdashery store in Schnoz.
The Gelflings repair the Dark Crystal restoring light and beauty to all of Schnoz, not just Muppet Land.
Auntie Em has published a cookbook in which she manages to make lizard, lion, raccoon, squirrel, possum, Angus cows and centaurs taste like chicken. She plans to open a “Chicken Fried Roadkill Restaurant”.
After leaving the Centaurs and Minotaurs, the group comes to the Purple Brick Road that goes to Muppet City. They scare a Skeksis who thinks one or more of them is a Gelfling. Two real Gelflings show up while they are trying to calm the Skeksis.
Jen (Male Gelfling): Who are you and where are you going?
Dorothy: I’m Dorothy, and this is my dog Two Toes, Lion, Tinman, Scarecrow, and my Bae, Mr. Perfection. We are on our way to Schnoz to see the Great Lizard.
Kira (Female Gelfling): I wonder if the Great Lizard can tell us which shard can repair the Dark Crystal and restore Muppetland to its original beauty?
Tinman: He probably could.
Just then they hear a loud “mugwamp” sound that makes them jump up to their feet in fear.
Kira laughs and says: It’s my friend the Mugwamp in the water. He can’t hurt you if you stay out of the pond!
A group of instrument playing, singing, dancing Podlings passes the group on its way to the Little Persons’ Convention. Right after, a group of Muppets comes down the Purple Brick Road to the Yellow Brick Road to go to Schnoz for the Little Persons’ Convention. Mayor Kermit the Frog greets them. Miss Piggy the Assistant Mayor also greets them. Cookie Monster tries to eat Two Toes but finds out he is not a cookie but a living furball. The two old men from the balcony crack jokes and laugh at the antics of the other Muppets upon seeing the group on their way to Schnoz. Big Bird is so happy to see the strangers she lays an egg. Ernie offers them food from his trash can.
Dorothy: No thank you, Ernie! We ate at the Romulan Restaurant.
The Muppets continue on to Schnoz leaving the group and the Gelflings behind.
Tinman: Writer?
Writer: Yes?
Tinman: Really? Schnoz meets “The Dark Crystal” and “The Muppet Show”?
Continuing down the Yellow Brick Road, the group comes to the Black Brick Road. They stop to eat at a Romulan restaurant. Eating the green pea soup and drinking the too strong blue Romulan ale, they get kind of silly. “Jolantru” says the waitress to the group.
Tinman: Jolantru to you too!
Mr. Perfection: Jolleee true to you too!
Dorothy: That’s “Jolantru”, Bae!
Mr. Perfection: Jew and True to you too!
Dorothy: Whatever!
Mr. Perfection: Where’s the beef?
Dorothy: It’s pea soup there is no beef.
As they continue eating, the Klingons come into the restaurant. As they only eat fresh meat cut from living dog-like creatures, they tear up the restaurant by allowing the dog-like creatures loose in the restaurant. As the group tries to flee some Klingons stop them.
Klingon: Who are you and where are you going?
Dorothy: I’m Dorothy and this is my dog Two Toes, Lion, Tinman, Scarecrow, and my Bae, Mr. Perfection. We are on our way to Schnoz to see the Great Lizard.
Klingon: Your dog can feed my “dog”. Sick ’em!
Tinman: Stop! Dorothy has been good to us! (He picks up and holds Two Toes).
Klingon: Today is a good day to die! (He attacks Scarecrow)
Lion intervenes and bites the Klingon on his neck. As the Klingons start to fight everyone, the Vulcans enter and phaser and neck pinch all the Klingons.
Dorothy: Thank you, Vulcans,for saving us!
Sarek of Vulcan: You are welcome. I suggest you leave before the Klingons awaken and the Romulans return.
Dorothy: Let’s go everyone!
Sarek of Vulcan: Live long and prosper! (Giving the Vulcan hand sign).
Tinman: Writer?
Writer: Yes?
Tinman: Really? Wow. Schnoz meets Star Trek?
After leaving the Spankers, the group including the now sore redbutt Mr. Perfection, go further down the Yellow Brick Road. Right before getting to the Golden Fleece Road to Greek Mythology City, the Centaurs surround them.
Centaur 1: Who are you and where are you going?
Dorothy: I am Dorothy and this is my dog Two Toes, Lion, Tinman, Scarecrow, and my Bae, Mr. Perfection. We are on our way to Schnoz to see the Great Lizard.
Centaur 2: Why would we let you pass?
Centaur 3: Make my day! Try to pass us!
Tinman: Because our business is not with you! Want some sugar cubes and apples?
Centaurs (all): Sure!
As the Centaurs are eating the sugar cubes and apples, their enemies the Minotaurs arrive and scare and scatter the Centaurs.
Minotaur 1: Chase the Centaurs away and take the others hostage. They look tasty.
Dorothy: Oh Sir, we are not very tasty. I and my dog Two Toes come from a very tasteless galaxy far, far, away!
Minotaur 2: One is made of Straw and clothes, one is metal, one is a dog. How tasty could they be?
Minotaur 3: Who is hiding behind you, Human?
Mr. Perfection: My name is Mr. Perfection.
Minotaur 3: Again, who is hiding behind you, Mr. Perfection?
Lion: ME! A Lion who likes to eat bulls. ROOAAARRRR!!!!! (he runs toward Minotaur 1)
Minotaur 1: Run, Minotaurs, or the Lion will eat you!
The Minotaurs run down the Golden Fleece Road back to Greek Mythology City.
Tinman: Writer?
Writer: Yes?
Tinman: Really? Schnoz meets Greek Mythology?
The group travels down the Yellow Brick Road and while passing the Red Brick Road to Spankthis City, they run into a group of worshipers of the Humectress during their spanking/flagellation ritual.
Spankers (all) “We are the Nexxus, we worship the Humectress on the Feast of Rejuvenaperm”.
Spanker 1: Who are you strangers?
Dorothy: I’m Dorothy, this is my dog Two Toes, Lion, Tinman, Scarecrow, and my Bae, Mr. Perfection. Do you know how to get to Schnoz?
Spanker 1: You must be spanked for the info.
Spanker 2: Lion, Tinman, and Scarecrow have no butts.
Spanker 3: But Mr. Perfection has one!
Spanker 1: We’ll spank Mr. Perfection for the glory of the Humectress!
Mr. Perfection: Um..Uh… I’m not so sure about that.
Dorothy: Mr. Perfection, Bae, what good is having a perfect butt if you can’t put it to use for your friends and especially me?
Mr. Perfection: Is it alright if Dorothy spanks me instead of you?
Spanker 1: That is acceptable.
Spanker 2: You asked for it you got it: a spanking!
Dorothy spanks Mr. Perfection over her knee enjoying it more than she expected as Mr. Perfection flexes, squirms, and cries.
High Priest: The Humectress requires the Sacred Paddle to be used on the naked butt of this one (Mr. Perfection).
Dorothy: Okay!
Mr. Perfection: Dorothy, please don’t!
High Priest: Don’t make me spank the black off your butt turning it red instead!
Dorothy paddles Mr. Perfection bright red pleasing the Humectress and all present, especially Tinman. Dorothy asks if they have a paddle she can take with her. They give her one.
Baby Mikey: My pancreas hurts! (in whiny Baby Mikey voice)
(to a man nearby) Do you have a pancreas? Does it hurt like mine?
(to a woman nearby) Do you know where my mommy is? She knows how to fix my pancreas!
My pancreas was hurting greatly. But all of a sudden it stopped hurting, which usually means I dropped it somewhere. But the squirrels eating the food I gave them won’t look for my pancreas. I hope the squirrels don’t eat my pancreas before I find it!
Writings of Michael Vincent Schwing (Tyrrannis I Saurranno) of Indianapolis, Indiana, USA 