Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz–Chapter 14-The Apes (from the Planet of the Apes)-written 29 Oct 2015

The group continues down the Yellow Brick Road and as they pass the White Brick Road they run into the Apes.

Caesar XX: Who are you and where are you going?

Dorothy: My name is Dorothy and this is my dog Two Toes, Lion, Scarecrow, and my Bae, Mr. Perfection, and Gelflings Kira and Jen. We are on our way to Schnoz.

Caesar XX: I am Caesar, King of the Apes. This is my general Urko.

Urko XXI: The Humans speak?

Caesar XX: Of course General Urko the Humans speak here. We’re not on the Planet of the Apes thanks to that wormhole our ancestors rode through on their way to attack the Humans in the Underground City which had the atomic bomb.

Urko XXI: Should we kill the Humans?

Caesar XX: No.

Urko XXI: Should we let them pass?

Caesar XX: Of course!

Urko XXI: Can’t they hurry along? Their sight and smell disgusts me!

Caesar XX: You still carry your ancestor’s hatred for the Humans?

Urko XXI: Yes!

Caesar XX: But a Human saved my ancestor Caesar Ist from being murdered and it was the Human’s screwing up that created the “Planet of the Apes”. Let them pass!

Scarecrow: Is that the Centaurs and Minotaurs attacking?

Urko XXI: Gorillas! Fall back to defend Ape City! (The Gorillas leave on their horses.)

Caesar XX: You are now free to continue on to Schnoz, that way down the Yellow Brick Road.

Dorothy: Thank you King Caesar!

Caesar XX: You’re welcome, Dorothy.

Tinman: Writer?

Writer: Yes?

Tinman: Really? Schnoz meets the “Planet of the Apes”?

Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz-Chapter 5-Oompa Loompas-written 29 Oct 2015

As the group moves down the Yellow Brick Road, the Oompa Loompas come down the Orange Brick Road and start going down the Yellow Brick Road and run into the group.

Dorothy: Maybe the Oompa Loompas can tell us how to get to Schnoz.

Dorothy (to the Oompa Loompas) Can you tell us how to get to Schnoz?

Oompa Loompa Leader: Yes. We have a Little Persons’ Convention every year in Schnoz. We must hurry and get there. Have you called ahead to get a hotel room in Schnoz?

Tinman: No.

Oompa Loompa Leader: Why not? There might be no room at the inn when there is a Little Persons’ Convention.

Lion: How would we call ahead?

Oompa Loompa Leader: By a phone.

Tinman: We don’t have a phone.

Dorothy: I have a cellphone. Would that work in Schnoz?

Oompa Loompa Leader: It might. I’ll give you the phone number: 317-772-893-467895.

Dorothy: Thank you. How do we get to Schnoz?

Oompa Loompa Leader:Follow the Yellow Brick Road, the emerald green light in the distance is Schnoz.

Tinman: Dorothy just doesn’t get it!

Oompa Loompa Leader: Did I stutter?

Tinman: No, Sir. Thank you all, Oompa Loompas! Could we follow you to Schnoz?

Oompa Loompa Leader: Sure, but we must hurry!

Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz–Chapter 4–Mr. Perfection-written 29 Oct 2015

Further along the Yellow Brick Road the group runs into “Mr. Perfection” singing his theme song “What’s your name? Who’s your daddy? Is he rich like me?”

Mr. Perfection: Hello all! May I help you?

Lion: Yes. Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us, all we ask is that you let us serve it your way.

Mr. Perfection: Do I know you? Very funny Lion. I am NOT a waiter!

Mr. Perfection (to Dorothy) What is your name gorgeous?

Dorothy: Dorothy. And what is your name handsome?

Mister Perfection: Mr. Perfection!

Lion: Mister beautiful eyes, pretty smile, and perfect butt. (they all look at him funny, heads cocked) I call them as I see them. Bae already has a harem.

Dorothy: Wait a  minute! I think we can fit him in!

Mr. Perfection: Groovy, Darling!

Dorothy: Tinman, you are now the guard whenever I desire to discover what’s in Mr. Perfection’s pants. (to Mr. Perfection) What are you on your way to Schnoz for?

Mr. Perfection: To get humility. I hear it will help me bag more babes!

Dorothy: I can see that.

Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz-Chapter 3-The Seven Black Dwarves and their Seven Shorties-reworked and added to 29 Oct 2015

The Seven Black Dwarves Smokey, Hungry, Sleepy, Washington, Jefferson, Bubba, Tyrone and their Seven Shorties Wanda, Tawanda, Shawanda, Shanene, Shanaqua, Cleopatra, and Linda Lou come off the Silver Brick Road onto the Yellow Brick Road and run into the group singing “Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to play we go, to the Little Persons’ Convention in beautiful emerald Schnoz.” (repeat two times).

Dorothy (to the group): Maybe the Dwarves and their Shorties can tell us how to get to Schnoz. (to the Dwarves) Can you tell us the way to Schnoz?

Dwarves: Hi ho, hi ho, down the Yellow Brick Road you go, to that emerald light in the distance, which is Schnoz, you know.

Tinman: Thank you dwarves and Shorties!

Scarecrow: Bae doesn’t get it. Just follow the Yellow Brick Road. See that emerald green glow in the distance? That is Schnoz!

Tinman: Yo, Writer!

Writer: Yes?

Tinman: Can’t you give Dorothy an ounce of intelligence?

Writer: No. She is the comic relief.

Scarecrow: I thought Two Toes was the comic relief.

Writer: Not yet.

Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz-Chapter 1-Meets Cowardly Lion, Tinman, and Scarecrow on way to Munchkin City-written 29 Oct 2015

Dorothy and Two Toes her dog have been accidentally transported from Detroit, Michigan, by a wormhole to a galaxy far, far, away. Not knowing what to do, she and Two Toes wander down a road that leads to Munchkin City. On the way they meet a Cowardly Lion who scares them.

Lion: Who are you? Where are you going?

Dorothy: I’m Dorothy and this is my dog Two Toes. We don’t know where we’re going because we’re not from here and I don’t know how to get home (crying).

Lion: I’m sorry I scared you. Perhaps you should go to Schnoz. I hear the Great Lizard of Schnoz has magical powers. Maybe he can get you home. I hope he gives me courage.

Dorothy: Well it can’t hurt to try. Do you know the way to Schnoz?

Lion: Yes, just follow me!

They go further towards Munchkin City and run into Tinman.

Tinman: Who are you and where are you going?

Dorothy: I’m Dorothy and this is my dog Two Toes and this is Lion. We are going to Schnoz. We hope the Great Lizard can help us.

Tinman: Can I join you? I need to go to Schnoz too. I want a heart and I’ve heard the Great Lizard of Schnoz is the only one who can help me.

Dorothy: Sure. Come along with us. Lion is leading the way.

They travel along further and shortly before entering Munchkin City they meet Scarecrow.

Scarecrow: Who are you and where are you going?

Dorothy: I’m Dorothy, this is my dog Two Toes, and Lion and Tinman.

Scarecrow: Can you get Two Toes to stop chewing on my leg?

Dorothy: I’ll try. Two Toes, Stop! Oh my, I’m sorry he peed on you! We’re on our way to Schnoz. We hope the Great Lizard can help us.

Scarecrow: Can I join you? I need to go to Schnoz too. I want to get a brain.

Dorothy: Sure. Come along with us. Lion is leading the way.

They all travel to Munchkin City.

Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz-Chapter 2-The Munchkins-written 29 Oct 2015

The group enters Munchkin City.

Dorothy: Let’s ask these Little People if they know how to get to Schnoz.

Munchkins (all): We’re called Munchkins.

Tinman: Can you tell us the way to Schnoz?

Munchkins: No.

Scarecrow: Can you tell us which road to take to Schnoz?

Munchkins: No. We are on our way to a Little Persons’ Convention in Schnoz and we must hurry.

Lion: Can we follow you to Schnoz?

Munchkins: No.

Dorothy: That’s rude!

Munchkins: Yes.

Dorothy: Why won’t anyone tell us how to get to Schnoz?

Munchkins: Follow the Yellow Brick Road, follow the Yellow Brick Road (repeated repeatedly) Follow, follow, follow follow, follow the Yellow Brick Road. The emerald green glow in the distance is Schnoz.

Scarecrow: Dorothy, I may not have a brain but I’m not the one who’s lost when there is only one road. [From a Facebook meme]

The group heads further down the Yellow Brick Road.

Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz–Chapter 9–The GEICO Geckos-written 29 Oct 2015

As the group passes the Green Brick Road, they are mobbed by the GEICO Geckos.

Geckoes (in unison): Who are you? May we help you?

Dorothy: I’m Dorothy, this is my dog Two Toes, Lion, Tinman, Scarecrow, and my bae, Mr. Perfection. We’re on our way to Schnoz to meet with the Great Lizard.

Geckos: Do you need car insurance?

Tinman: What’s a car?

Geckos: Do you want to save $500 over the next competitor?

Scarecrow: What’s a competitor?

Geckos, individually: Do you want to buy insurance from me? No, from me! No, from me! No, from me! No, from me! No, from me! No, from me! No, from me!

Scarecrow: Oh look! A semi truck driver who needs insurance!

All the Geckos run to the man who is NOT a truck driver.

Scarecrow (to all): Run! Before they come back!

Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz-Chapter 16–The Gargoyles on the walls of the city-written 29 Oct 2015

The group passes between the dragons and stand in before the Gate of Schnoz itself.

Gargoyles: Warning! Warning! You are about to enter Schnoz!

Dorothy: We want to enter Schnoz and meet with the Great Lizard.

Gargoyles: Do we know you?

Tinman: No. You do not know us. We have never been to Schnoz before.

Gargoyles: May we help you?

Tinman: You can let us pass as the dragons did.

Gargoyles: By the name of our King, Rakamuth, why should we let you pass?

Lion: Because we have business with the Great Lizard!

Gargoyles: What has that to do with us? Give us the password and you may pass.

Scarecrow: Uh, er, “Rakamuth”?

Gargoyles: If the Dragons let you pass and they are smarter and more powerful than us, then we shall let you pass into Schnoz.

All: Thank you, Gargoyles!

Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz-Chapter 15-The Dragons (guarding the gate)-written 24 Oct 2015

The group approaches the gates of Schnoz. The Dragons speak to the group:

“Fe Fi Fo Fum is right,

I smell the human blight.

Let’s give them a real fright,

and send them screaming into the night.

Blow our dragon fire light.

Shining on our scales bright.

Show our horrible might.

And send them screaming in all their fright.

Let’s use our teeth to bite.

Give them a scary plight.

Use our wings and take flight.

And use them to fly to a great height.

Fly on high like a kite.

By an unholy rite.

Shining scales oh so tight.

A dragon is a beautiful sight.”

---

Dorothy: Dragons do you know the way to Schnoz?

Tinman: Forgive her dragons for disturbing you.

Dragons: “You are at Schnoz’s Gate.

Walk between us to enter in.

And your quest you will satiate.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road within,”

Dorothy and the Lizard of Schnoz-Chapter 7-The Schnozzes (= Smurfs, Schlumpfe)-written 24 July 2015

Dorothy: Look! Maybe those short blue people can tell us how to get to Schnoz!

Lion: I doubt they can tell us anything we don’t already know.

Tinman: Besides, Dorothy, you’ll have trouble understanding them.

Dorothy: Why is that?

Tinman: You’ll see why!

Dorothy: Which one of you little blue people is the leader?

Schnoz 1: “Little blue people”? That’s not schnozzy!

Dorothy: Schnozzy?

Schnoz 2: Yes. Everything is either “schnozzy” or “not schnozzy”.

Schnoz 1: Papa Schnoz is our schnozzy leader.

Dorothy: May I speak with Papa Schnoz?

Schnoz 1: The schnozzy Papa Schnoz our schnozzy leader?

Dorothy: Yes.

Schnoz 3: He is too schnozzy to schnoz with your not schnozzy self.

Papa Schnoz: Now, now! Rudeness to strangers is not schnozzy! I will speak with the not schnozzy ones.

Tinman: Thank you, your schnozzy Sir!

Papa Schnoz: You’re schnozzy welcome!

Dorothy: Do you know the way to Schnoz?

Schnoz 3: I don’t think it’s schnozzy to tell the not schnozzy the schnozzy way to Schnoz. It’s just not schnozzilicious!

Tinman: Papa Schnoz may I ask you another schnozzy question?

Papa Schnoz: A schnozzy “Yes”!

Tinman: What is the schnozzy origin of the schnozzy blue Schnozzes?

Papa Schnoz: We arrived here from schnozzy Germany and England in schnozzy Europe in the schnozzy year 1682.

Tinman: That’s schnozzy, Sir. Thank your schnozzy self!

Papa Schnoz: You’re schnozzy welcome! The schnozzy way to Schnoz is to follow the schnozzy Yellow Brick Road to that schnozzy emerald green light in the distance. That is schnozzy Schnoz!

The group continues down the Yellow Brick Road.