The Ethnography of the Portypot species, rewritten and copyright 20 Feb 2018 by Michael V. Schwing (Tyrrannis I Saurranno)
[DrP-Pot, MBathr.–Doctor in Portypotology, Masters in Bathroomology]
Purpose of this paper: To describe Portypot species, classification, customs and culture, lifestyle, food, languages, education and religion, with the latest scientific discoveries at the Bathroom Institute of Technology, Indianapolis, which Professor Schwing heads.
DESCRIPTION:
Portypots are interesting creatures which feed on human feces and urine. The digestion process is incompletely understood. Whether they are parasitic or symbiotic of humans is still disputed by scientists, but Professor Schwing believes they are symbiotes, even though without being fed regularly with human waste they starve to death within three weeks. (see further under FOOD, below)
COLOR:
There are several Portypot species. The most predominant species are blue (reflecting the connection to water), and green (believed to reflect the “natural” way they operate). All pink ones have been proven so far to be females, which are also human breast cancer awareness advocates.
Red, purple white, and yellow ones are too rare to have been included in this ethnography to the degree they should be. Theoretically, Portypots can be any color. However, the blue chromatic gene X12A is dominant over the green, yellow, and white genes (respectively: X13, X14A, and X14C). Their red color is caused by one inheriting two X15A genes, a very rare occurance: less than one in one thousand. Some published reports believe red Portypots are all male and sexually sterile.
[P.T. Barnum: “Color genes in living portypots.” Harvard, Connecticut: 1952]
SEX:
Portypots have the typical male (Y) and female (X) genes. The X genes also codify for color (see further under COLOR, above). Reproduction, however, can be either sexual or asexual. Normally it is sexual and the eggs are fertilized in the summer months, primarily at the annual Sun Worship Festival in July. (see further under CUSTOMS and RELIGION, below)
SCIENTIFIC CLASSIFICATION:
The Blue species (Portypot azure) has a primary subspecies with white top (Portypot azure candida-cristata).
The Green species (Portypot verde) also can be white-topped. presumably as an atavist trait from the time period when the ancestral Portypots were all blue (Protoportypot azure, extinct).
All known species are in the Family Portypotidae, Order Portypota, Class Watercloseta, Phylum Aquarelieveria, in the Kingdom Usefulthingae.
[This most recent classification stems from the 2013 symposium on Portypots at the Bathroom Institute of Technology in Indianapolis. This was a collaborative effort by several experts towards both the Linnaean Classification and a Cladistics Classification. Professor Schwing was monitor of this symposium.]
CLADISTICS:
Class Outhousida includes clades Outhousida, Toileta, Watercloseta, Bathroomia, Portypota, Urinalia, and Bideta, but not rivers, creeks, pissing holes, holes dug in ground (Latrina, the mother clade of Outhousida), trees, or sides of government buildings.
Y-DNA: Tests have proven the close connection of clades Watercloseta, Bathroomia, Portypota, and Outhousida with Outhousida being the ancestral clade divided into clades Portypota and Watercloseta with Bathroomia descended from Watercloseta. *
MITOCHONDRIAL DNA: Tests have proven Bathroomia descends from Outhousida and therefore is related to Portypota, but not descended from it. *
AUTOSOMAL DNA: Tests show all the above clades to be related, both cladistically and by Linnaean classification.
[* Schwing, “Comparison of Cladistics, Y-DNA, Mitochondrial DNA, and Autosomal DNA of Class Outhousida”, Indianapolis: 2012]
RANGE:
Portypots are found worldwide, but are especially numerous in cities where there are multiple festivals where humans will feed them.
LIFE CYCLE:
Portypots are oviparous (egg-laying). The eggs grow into the instar 1 diaper wipe, then instar 2 diaper, then instar 3 bassinet (=teen years), then metamorphose into adult Portypots on special farms, placed in secret locations by certain humans solely for this purpose. These farms, which are all corporate owned in the USA, are usually hidden in the back forty of mountain oyster farms.
[Schwing, “The Life Cycle of Portypot species”, Indianapolis: 2014]
CUSTOMS and TRAITS:
It is unsure whether Portypots are monogamous or polygamous. There are some belonging to each condition. Polyandry has been observed in the pink-colored ones. But apparently they do mate for life.
They are gregarious and fun loving; loving to congregate where humans are having festivals or public entertainment.
Family units vary widely, but it is not uncommon to see elders grouped together in one location interested only in feeding, and the younger adults in a different location (still in sight of the elders such as across a park or campsite) interested in both feeding and mating. Children instars DO NOT live with their parents.
The average Portypot can recite his or her ancestry for three generations, which they often know personally as they are long-lived. Unless they belong to the Imperial (Asian), Royal (European), or Presidential (North American) Lines, their genealogy beyond three generations is not normally preserved. Unlike Humans who propagate many royal genealogy forgeries useful for reading while on the toilet (although the forgeries should be flushed down the toilet), Portypots have never been known to lie about their ancestry.
Singing is a common pastime, but dancing is normally not done. Exercise, jazzercize, and such things are greatly frowned upon as demeaning. They love celebrating national and religious holidays as these increase the food supply.
FOOD:
Portypots solely consume human feces and urine. Attempts to feed them dog or horse manure will keep them alive for awhile. However, they grow ever more sick as those manures lack three essential amino acids and enough protein and fat. Feeding them compost has always led to painful deaths.
LANGUAGES:
It has been very difficult to record anything about their languages used, as they very rarely speak in front of humans.
However, it has definitely been proven they understand English, Spanish, French, German, Italian, Polish, Russian, Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Malay, Swahili, Arabic, Nahuatl, Lakota, and several Mayan dialects. What has not been proven is whether ALL Portypots understand ALL these languages, whether they choose which languages to understand, or whether there is some kind of indoctrination in languages during their education. (see further under EDUCATION, below)
EDUCATION:
The Portypot is usually taught while living on the farm on which instar 3 bassinets metamorphose into adults. This is all that is proven towards their education. It is presumed that Portypots continue to learn throughout life, even without higher education.
RELIGION:
Portypots are almost all members of the Sun Worshipping Religion. They do not tend to like rain, but are not scared of thunder, lightning, or snow, but are scared of hail as it could damage them. The primary religious feast is the annual Sun Worship In-gathering in July, when nearly a hundred can be found in Military Park at one time. They have lesser festivals in May and September. The Blue species is known to sing songs calling the Sun “Kerplop,” The Green species calls the Sun “Kerplunk.” The Red ones call the Sun “Ray”, (or perhaps Re, the Egyptian Sun God). Pink ones tend to worship Gaea (Mother Earth) and Ishtar (The Holy One, Mother of God, Queen of Heaven). Those which are Roman Catholics worship Mary, to whom they give the titles of Ishtar, as well as worshipping Jesus.
SUMMATION:
This paper contains the majority of known facts pertaining to classification, DNA analysis, customs, foods, education, and religion of the genus Portypot. Any new findings shall be published in new papers through the Bathroom Institute of Technology, Indianapolis, Indiana, USA.
:
Writings of Michael Vincent Schwing (Tyrrannis I Saurranno) of Indianapolis, Indiana, USA 