“The Food Chain” A supposed to be funny fantasy short story by KE Tyrrannis I Saurranno (a.k.a. Michael V. Schwing, c. 2010, written Wed. 18 May 2010)
While tending the garden the other day I found something looking like half an acorn shell. I thought it looked funny, but threw it away with the weeds pulled, when I had a sudden thought. So taking a spectrometer and other secret technical readings, it proved to be a rozikru:shan egg! “Great!” I thought. now we will have rozikru:shans running all over the place. A better thought would have been how a rozikru:shan egg got from the Shamu world of Beta Cepheus III, which is a Calashiri protected world, just as Terris (Earth) is a Malakh protected world. On these Galactic Council protected worlds, no alien life-form is allowed to go on it and no native life-form is allowed to be removed. The Malakh are still trying to clean up the mistake of letting the Branta–which the humans call “Canada Goose”–on the planet, but at least the horrible plague called the Branta is exterminated everywhere else. Don’t even bring up Enmeduranki (called “Enoch” by the Hebrews). The Malakh had to remove him from Terris because of all the knowledge he learned from them. But I digress.
So, to get rid of those mouse-sized, burrowing, shrill-buzzing, stinking rozikru:shans, I talked to my cousin Istvan. He is an exobiologist so I figured he would know what to do. And he did! (For a refreshing change of pace.) He said we had to get a skylothrax. I asked what that was and how to get one. He said, “They are the only known animals to eat the rozikru:shans. They are also native to the Shamu world.” He had a biologist friend who just happened to be raising some (illegally of course). So we got one which was supposed to be a male. “How can you tell?” you ask. Why the male has an ossipenis, of course! The skylothrax got rid of (read: ate) what we hoped were all the rozikru:shans.
Now the new problem. It wasn’t a male skylothrax; it was a female. Do you know what happens when you feed a female skylothrax? Why, it reproduces repeatedly of course! Think tribbles. So now we needed something to get rid of the skylothrax.
Cousin Istvan, always helpful in a Homer Simpson kind of way, suggested getting a nargothrax, which, as it so happens, prefers to eat its cat-sized cousin skylothraxes! I didn’t even ask where to get one, I just somehow knew Istvan would find one and get it to my garden. And so he did. Now the next problem. How to get rid of a nargothrax, a beagle-dog-sized black-backed, orange-bellied, red crest down back, screaching lizard. Apparently, it is the favored food of a tricerosaur, a large three-horned color-changing chameleon-like lizard.
Don’t ask! Yes, the tricerosaur was very helpful, until for some reason it ate every blue-colored flower in my garden. It then started eating the purple and red flowers, that is, until it threw up the next day. In the purple “vomit” was…..baby tricerosaurs! Apparently, my dim-witted exobiologist cousin Istvan did not know tricerosaurs hold their eggs internally and appear to “vomit” (read: give birth to) their young. Homer Simpson “duh” head hit.
I had a thought. I asked my cousin, “Where does this all end?” He replied, “With the bullemion (pronounced bool-lay-my-on).” He continues: “The bullemion eats the catawampus. The catawampus prefers to eat the lapparing. The lapparings’ only food is the turkapastakan, which of course eats the somestikan. The somestikan is the only known predator of the almogestosaur, which of course loves to eat its cousin the tricerosaur.” “So we’re like ten degrees up the food chain?” I asked. “Exactly.”
I couldn’t resist. “What kills bullemions?” “Cherushki hunters.” “And how are we going to get Cherushki hunters? I am not exactly on good terms with my distant cousin King Cherukhan X of Cherushki.” Cousin Istvan replied, “You could ask your distant cousin Emperor Shvaragdan V of Sharada to ask Cherukhan, after all they are cousins.” Amazed, I replied, “That’s the best idea you’ve had yet.” I enquired, “What gets rid of Cherushki hunters? Let me guess..uh…um…rozikru:shans no doubt?” “Exactly! They crawl inside a Cherushki, eat, vegetate, and reproduce, until their young eat their way out of the Cherushki, killing him or her. They do not parasitize humans,” replied my cousin.
Anyway, a Cherushki hunter later got rid of the tricerosaurs, capturing the mother and babies with tranquilizing darts. And I was greatly blessed when a bullemion ate my cousin Istvan. The End.
So, to get rid of those mouse-sized, burrowing, shrill-buzzing, stinking rozikru:shans, I talked to my cousin Istvan. He is an exobiologist so I figured he would know what to do. And he did! (For a refreshing change of pace.) He said we had to get a skylothrax. I asked what that was and how to get one. He said, “They are the only known animals to eat the rozikru:shans. They are also native to the Shamu world.” He had a biologist friend who just happened to be raising some (illegally of course). So we got one which was supposed to be a male. “How can you tell?” you ask. Why the male has an ossipenis, of course! The skylothrax got rid of (read: ate) what we hoped were all the rozikru:shans.
Now the new problem. It wasn’t a male skylothrax; it was a female. Do you know what happens when you feed a female skylothrax? Why, it reproduces repeatedly of course! Think tribbles. So now we needed something to get rid of the skylothrax.
Cousin Istvan, always helpful in a Homer Simpson kind of way, suggested getting a nargothrax, which, as it so happens, prefers to eat its cat-sized cousin skylothraxes! I didn’t even ask where to get one, I just somehow knew Istvan would find one and get it to my garden. And so he did. Now the next problem. How to get rid of a nargothrax, a beagle-dog-sized black-backed, orange-bellied, red crest down back, screaching lizard. Apparently, it is the favored food of a tricerosaur, a large three-horned color-changing chameleon-like lizard.
Don’t ask! Yes, the tricerosaur was very helpful, until for some reason it ate every blue-colored flower in my garden. It then started eating the purple and red flowers, that is, until it threw up the next day. In the purple “vomit” was…..baby tricerosaurs! Apparently, my dim-witted exobiologist cousin Istvan did not know tricerosaurs hold their eggs internally and appear to “vomit” (read: give birth to) their young. Homer Simpson “duh” head hit.
I had a thought. I asked my cousin, “Where does this all end?” He replied, “With the bullemion (pronounced bool-lay-my-on).” He continues: “The bullemion eats the catawampus. The catawampus prefers to eat the lapparing. The lapparings’ only food is the turkapastakan, which of course eats the somestikan. The somestikan is the only known predator of the almogestosaur, which of course loves to eat its cousin the tricerosaur.” “So we’re like ten degrees up the food chain?” I asked. “Exactly.”
I couldn’t resist. “What kills bullemions?” “Cherushki hunters.” “And how are we going to get Cherushki hunters? I am not exactly on good terms with my distant cousin King Cherukhan X of Cherushki.” Cousin Istvan replied, “You could ask your distant cousin Emperor Shvaragdan V of Sharada to ask Cherukhan, after all they are cousins.” Amazed, I replied, “That’s the best idea you’ve had yet.” I enquired, “What gets rid of Cherushki hunters? Let me guess..uh…um…rozikru:shans no doubt?” “Exactly! They crawl inside a Cherushki, eat, vegetate, and reproduce, until their young eat their way out of the Cherushki, killing him or her. They do not parasitize humans,” replied my cousin.
Anyway, a Cherushki hunter later got rid of the tricerosaurs, capturing the mother and babies with tranquilizing darts. And I was greatly blessed when a bullemion ate my cousin Istvan. The End.
Writings of Michael Vincent Schwing (Tyrrannis I Saurranno) of Indianapolis, Indiana, USA 